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It’s election season, so run as fast as you can

It’s only three weeks until Election Day, and even though it’s the midterms, I can’t turn on the radio without hearing about how it is the most important election of our lifetimes. Never mind that the last election was supposed to be the most important of my lifetime. And 2014 was supposed to be important too. But sure, this is the most important election of my lifetime. Whatever you say, scary voice on TV.

It’s also the time of the year, every two years, where I start to wonder how I would do as an elected official. Sure, I have no experience in a government post, but that’s never been a barrier before to higher office. I do have a Twitter account, and a few axes to grind, and if the last two most important elections of my life have taught me anything, that’s sometimes enough.

You would never see a yard sign with my name on it. Those don’t tell you anything. However, I would be a fan of renting the side of a building and just painting my face on the side of it. The bigger the better.

Mao Zedong did that and he never even had to run a campaign after 1948 to win.

I’d also never send flyers through the mail. Nothing ruins my day faster than getting mail, and the last thing I would want is for people to see my face at the same time they’re getting a sinking feeling because there’s a stack of bills.

Nor would I run any TV ads. Not a photo of me and my happy family with a golden retriever in the front yard that says “Kevin can care for this pet, he can certainly ensure a balanced budget is passed in a timely manner.” Because I can’t. Ask my bank, I can’t balance my own budget.

There also won’t be ads with an unfortunate photo of my opponent. You know the type: the one you get tagged in on Facebook you didn’t know was taken in the first place, and it’s a profile shot from the one moment all night you didn’t suck in your stomach.

That’s the one that gets used by your opponent in a political ad, with a scary voice speaking over it. Depending on which side of the aisle is the target audience, the voice will be most menacing as it utters “Madigan” or “Rauner.”

I’m just trying to watch “Better Call Saul,” man, I don’t need that negativity in my life. And I certainly wouldn’t subject potential voters to it.

All right, maybe I would include a puppy in my ad, but only because we all need that, especially after three or four of those negative ads in a row. It most definitely would not be pandering.

There aren’t many issues I care too much about that would form my platform. The first one would be that it should be illegal to charge for coffee refills. It’s basically hot water with magical properties, I don’t see why my economic station should be a barrier between me and the elixir I need to get through the day. I might even be in support of a government subsidy so everyone had access to unlimited free coffee. Think of the productivity increases.

The other think I would be in favor of is banning the writing of checks in the express lane at the grocery store. Sure, there are a lot of people who are more comfortable writing checks than they are using a credit card. I get that, which is why I’m not advocating an all-out ban on check writing – yet.

But the express lane is for those of us that have had more than our share of coffee that day. We have places to go and things to do and it takes a really long time to write those checks that the register just treats like a debit card anyway.

And since we moved off the gold standard in the 1970s, the whole system behind the check is just smoke and mirrors anyway,

I’m toying with the idea of increasing the penalty for people who park poorly. The kind that takes up two spots for their car because it’s too precious to have anyone park close on the side. Clearly the current system of writing a ticket isn’t cutting it. Making it a capital crime might be taking it too far, but a lengthy prison sentence would probably be a happy medium.

If you know anyone who is saying that punishment doesn’t fit the crime, then you know how they treat parking spots.

But this is something that’s left to better people than myself, who are willing to take a stand on issues beyond magic brown water or the express lane.

There are bigger issues at stake, and for the next three weeks, your best bet is to educate yourself on those, and what the candidates stand for, and then most definitely vote.

That’s the most important part.

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